And what scares me even more is that my dad and brother, who haven’t showed emotion the whole time grandmas been living here, they started crying a little while ago. Reality is truly setting in for everyone in my house.
Grandma is horrible. I hate to say that, but she can barely move. It took my mom and the aid an hour to get her out of bed and into the shower today. Took another hour to get her out of the shower and back into bed. Everything hurts her. She’s been crying all day and keeps telling my mom she’s scared. She told my mom that she just wants to be with daddy (her husband, who passed away 20 years ago) we’re sending her to a home or hospital today or tomorrow.. Two people can’t even get her up and going. She said wants to be in the hospital. I think she’s scared to pass away in my house surrounded by the people she loves most. I hate to sound selfish, but I don’t want her to go there. I know it’s what she needs, but I’m not ready to get her go yet. I love her too much and can’t imagine my life without her. I love you more than anything grandma. You are and will forever be my hero
my brother and i one day were talking about how we think my grandma is just holding on so that she can see her son one last time. he’s only been around once to see her, for the year that she’s been living in my house already. she’s been so so sick and has told my mom and i several times that she doesn’t want to do this anymore and that she doesn’t want to wake up anymore. yesterday, my uncle came to my house with my two cousins and they spent some time here talking to her. when they were saying goodbye, she started crying and told them to live their lives to the fullest. today, she’s feeling really sick and in a lot of pain. i’m so scared that she’s going to go now. she’s seen everyone that means a lot to her and i feel like she’s only been hanging on for so long just to make that happen. i’m more worried than ever before
there’s nothing i love more than laying in your bed, in your arms, holding your hand. laying my head on your chest and talking about stupid nonsense. you always make me smile. just thinking about you makes me smile. i just wish that something more could actually happen between us but i know it never can.
i hear her crying in the other room. i hear her crying, yet i don’t have the courage or strength to go in there to comfort her because honestly, i’m a mess myself. i’m so scared. more scared than i’ve ever been in my life and i don’t know what to do anymore. i’ve completely lost it
You know that feeling? When you're just waiting. Waiting to get home, into your room, close the door, fall into bed, and just let everything out that you kept in all day. That feeling of both relief and desperation. Nothing is wrong. But nothing is right either. And you're tired. Tired of everything, tired of nothing. And you just want someone to be there and tell you it's okay. But no one's going to be there. And you know you have to be strong for yourself, because no one can fix you. But you're tired of waiting. Tired of having to be the one to fix yourself and everyone else. Tired of being strong. And for once, you just want it to be easy. To be simple. To be helped. To be saved. But you know you won't be. But you're still hoping. And you're still wishing. And you're still staying strong and fighting, with tears in your eyes. You're fighting.
It’s times like these where I lose myself in the stories my old man would tell about life, true love, and war, the kind of war where you beat yourself. 'Cause now I've got this stomach pain, the kind of pain that gets worse when the rain hits hard, like my fist when I try to explain to the wall this mess I’m in. See, I’m tired now and my mind won’t quit since I got the news that you were sick. I thought of life, of time and death. If I could only use my breathe, I’d breathe my life into your lungs. With love and strength, I have faith I will lift you up. It’s a lesson learned.
As we move on, I still need you around. I’d be lost without you. I’m not sure I could face this world on my own. No, I don’t wanna go on alone. I don’t wanna go on alone. I don’t wanna go.
I’m terrified that this fear exists, and I’m scared I’ll come to terms with it, but that’s life. You are what you leave, like the simple lessons my dad taught me. I know we all grow old and die and make our place in another life.
I’m glad that there’s still time to let you know, I still need you around. I’d be lost without you. I’m not sure I could face this world on my own. No, I don’t wanna go on alone. I don’t wanna go on alone. I don’t wanna go.
So live it up, live it up. 'Cause you'll never know, never know. Time is always running, it will always guide you home.